Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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