6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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