I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
