Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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