Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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