apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
