I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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