I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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