So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
