he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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