theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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