It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
