so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
