cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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