Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
