I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
