Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize