i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
