I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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