Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
