For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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