this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
