i just sent this text using only my big toe
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
