You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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