I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
