I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize