seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
