We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
