Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
