I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
