I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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