Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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