If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
