im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
