Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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