Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
