clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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