I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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