why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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