Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
