the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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