I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
