I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize