I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
