im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
