I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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