I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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