Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize