i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
