Soap is not a condiment
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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