I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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