My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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