he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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