I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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