he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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