Kiss
Puke
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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