Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
