i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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