So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
