I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
